Encountering our Mr. or Ms. Right may involve a process of “lost and found”. From an initial attraction to ambivalence towards developing intimacy to finally making a commitment, we may be overwhelmed by the excitement and curiosity during the process. However, when the romance and passion subside, challenges may arise, and we might be followed by struggles to cope with an intimate relationship. Have the following thoughts crossed your mind?
- “How come falling in love and dating is not as sweet as I had imagined?”
- “Why can’t he ever understand what I am thinking? It’s so frustrating!”
- “Uh, we meet every day. But she still expects that we would talk for hours on phone every evening. How exhausting it is!”
- “He would rather spend time with his friends and family. Does he really love me?”
- “At the beginning of our relationship, he cared so much about me and asked me out every single day, picked me up and walked me home, and called me several times a day. Now, his attitude is totally different! His passion has cooled down… I doubt whether he still loves me…”
- “I feel jealous every time when she is talking cheerfully with other boys!”
Love needs to be nurtured in order to blossom and bear fruit. Being rational, passionate, sensible, accepting and patient are important in nurturing a relationship. Once we are engaged in a relationship, we may realize that it can be very different from the dreams and fantasies about romance and courtship, which we’ve harbored all along.
Similar to tango dancing, love requires both of the partners to move proximately but in smooth and synchronized steps. If we wish to develop some long-lasting relationships, it is important to understand, share and adapt to each other’s values and long-term goals. The following are some tips to build and maintain a healthy, intimate and long-lasting relationship.
Have reasonable expectations on our partners. While many of us might have the natural tendency to focus on our partners’ shortcomings, we could make efforts to learn and appreciate our partners’ merits. The art of love is not about changing a person but allowing their imperfections. Likely every one of us, we are all perfectly imperfect.
Listen attentivelyDo not expect that our partners can read our mind or understand all our thoughts or vice versa. This always holds true even if two might have been together for a long time. Open and congruent communication is one of the keys to a healthy relationship. To increase understanding and trust, let us listen attentively to each other’s thoughts and feelings.
Open your heartVery often, the way we resolve a problem is quite important. When problems arise, let’s try to see them in a more objective way. The aim of communication is not to assign blame, but to achieve mutual understanding. We might easily resort to vague and personal attacks when we are in arguments. Let us try and learn to provide concrete and constructive ideas. The way we say it also matters, too! Here comes some tips:
- Use “I” to express our feelings
- Avoid using “You” to accuse others
Similarities bond us together while diversities help us grow. As time goes by, conflicts may arise due to differences in habits and opinions. If two persons wish to stay together, it would be a good idea to learn how to manage differences in ideas, and achieve a compromise. Encountering discord and disagreements do not mean that your partner does not love you. Always remember to put ourselves in our partners’ shoes.
Live a balanced lifeTrue love would better be enjoyed on an equal footing. Our own needs should not be neglected as we attend to those of our beloved ones. Our partners can by no means satisfy all our needs and expectations. It is also important to keep our own social circle, develop our personal interests as well as manage our multiple responsibilities and roles. We’d better not become preoccupied with our romance or over-dependent on one another, while we might tend to do so at times.
While enjoying the romance, don’t forget to learn the appropriate ways to get along with each other and maintain a healthy relationship. More importantly, learn how to love and be loved, savour sweet moments and face challenges hand in hand. In time, we will gradually become more familiar with the tango of love and enjoy the romance.
![[Flourishing First Year @ CUHK] A Guide to Dating - Let’s Love Well](https://www.sunshine.cuhk.edu.hk/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Love-Well-talk-poster_v3-300x300.png "[Flourishing First Year @ CUHK] A Guide to Dating - Let’s Love Well")
